Revenge: Not as sweet as promised

This morning I was at work, stirring my oatmeal, when I spied some movement out of the corner of my eye. Well what do you know! It happened to be the biggest spider I've ever seen in the "wild", taking a little stroll down the aisle by my desk. It was about the size of my palm, with a huge body and fat legs and horrific markings. No, really -- completely appalling. It could've eaten a small mammal. NO, REALLY. COMPLETELY APPALLING.

It was moving pretty slowly, and I was about to try to find help when it took a sudden and unexpected turn into - well, hello! - the cubicle of a woman who is really, really not nice to me. As in, she sabotages my work and spreads lies. Hey, no big deal! Anyway, I watched with a certain amount of sick glee as the spider walked in to her empty cube, turned a corner, and disappeared. I continued stirring my oatmeal. She was coming down the aisle already as the spider entered her cubicle, so I figured the whole thing would be over in about 10 seconds; she'd see it (the thing cast a shadow, how could it hide?), become hysterical, and I'd continue stoically pouring honey into my oatmeal, laughing on the inside. THIS PLAN COULD NOT FAIL, OBVIOUSLY.

Except, it totally did! She came back to her desk, sat down, and started working. She did not see the spider. I continued stirring the oatmeal. She continued working. It had to be there, right? I found an old paper, ran to the recycling bin, and casually peered into her cubicle on the way back to my desk. Oh my God! Oh my God. Ohhhhhhh my God, the spider was no longer there. But if not there... where? My cubicle??! My hair? Did it jump into my hair?? It's in my hair!!! When I realized that the spider had departed for parts unknown, I almost fainted. You think I'm joking, but I'm telling you -- I had to go sit in the bathroom with my head between my legs for about 20 minutes. Because, I don't know if I mentioned this, but... the spider was as big as my palm. Ohhhh ho ho ho h ooooo no, it was not good.

So, how do you think I spent the rest of my day? Why, living in a hellish state of paranoia, of course! The spider never reappeared, and I wasted most of the day looking around suspiciously and swatting at phantom spiders that were crawling on my feet. As for the woman I was trying to get revenge on, she passed the day in peace and never had any idea of what had happened. I see that I should be absorbing a life lesson here, but I refuse! As I write this, there's another spider spinning a big web right outside my window and right over the place on the roof where I like to sit. How am I going to get rid of this thing? It's hanging in midair. I actually considered a pellet gun for a second, before realizing how insane that sounded. Ok, but wait, would that work? Or could I spray poison on it? Does anyone have a flame thrower I could borrow? We've all seen those Wile E. Coyote cartoons, so I think we know how this is going to end: walking off the roof while holding an "Acme Spider Killer," looking down, saying "Yipe!" and falling. It's been fun.

But anyway, I'm going to Chicago tomorrow! I would love to tell you more, but I've used up all my energy raging against spiders. I return on Sunday, we'll talk then!