On Minor Celebrity

Living in a university town provides some of the greatest "celebrity" sightings I could ever ask for. One of my old French Cinema teachers cohabits with (dates? is married to?) Richard Powers, and she often comes in and rents on their joint account (though I've never seen old R.P. himself in the store). The other day, she called to ask about a video; the caller ID said "Richard Powers" and I was inexplicably enthralled that the phone of a National Book Award winner was being used to ask me for information. I've actually seen Richard Powers about three million times and it's never really been a big deal, though I always invariably say to myself, "Look, it's celebrated author Richard Powers!" If I ever start a gossip rag, it will probably consist entirely of photos of him getting out of a car, with the caption "National Book Award Winners: They're Just Like Us!!"

Here, for the first time, is my "Official List of Minor Celebrities I Would Most Like to See on the Street and Pretend I Don't Know Who They Are:"

1. Robert Hass: I think if I could force one person on Earth to be my friend, this is who it would be. For the first year after I discovered "Sun Under Wood," I carried it with me everywhere, because there would be times when I really just couldn't go another second without reading it. Don't tell him I said this, but the idea of ever meeting him makes me break out in a cold sweat. I suppose he technically doesn't belong on this list, since I would be unable to feign indifference due to the sheer terror in my heart.

2. Benjamin Kunkel: I liked your book. Mainly, though, you're just really hot:

3. Joanna Newsom: She sings about meteors and might actually be an elf!

4. Milan Kundera: Hardly a minor celebrity, though during my visit to Paris I was convinced that I would see him wandering the streets. Why wouldn't he be? When I failed to see him, I amused myself by staring at an old man in a cafe and pretending he was Professor Avenarius from "Immortality." Next time, Kundera, next time.

5. Elyse Sewell: OH MY GOD, you are cool. While the other girls on "America's Next Top Model" were busy whining about how hard modeling is, you were in the confessional booth, eating candy and laughing about how stupid they were. You date one of the dudes in The Shins! You are super-adorable and witty, and I hear we're going to be living in the same city soon. I can't wait to see you at a dive bar and pretend I don't know who you are!

6. Michael Palin: Inevitably, the only people Michael Palin ever runs into on his travel shows are either nomads who have no idea who he is, or idiotic British tourists who try to force him to act out a Monty Python sketch with them. My god, man, he doesn't want to act out the Dead Parrot sketch with you while he's trying to cross the Sahara! Oh, Michael Palin, if I ever see you in person I'll make sure to silently appreciate your talent while treating you exactly like any other middle-aged British man attempting to scale the Himalayas.