Colds, cereal.

It's November, I must be sick.

Unfortunately, cute outfits alone are not enough to distract from the exhausted, glazed look in my eyes (trust me, I've tried). Getting to the gym yesterday was what I expect trying to get a whiny toddler into a snowsuit must be like. However, the highlight of the week was probably when I put too much whiskey in my hot toddy and dozed off while watching "The Last Starfighter." I'm weak, but I know there's work to be done, and that's why I'm returning to something I haven't done in a long time: BREAKFAST CEREAL REVIEWS.

Here we have Nature's Path Optimum Blueberry Cinnamon:

I'm usually pretty conservative with my cereal purchases. Without prior research, it's basically impossible to get the real story from the box, as every "natural" cereal seems to make the same claim:

"In 1929, Ol' Burl Huggins started his own farm, with the dream of making a better breakfast cereal for his children. 80 years later, the Huggins family continutes in Burl's tradition, growing wheat on their 2-acre organic farm and using Burl's original plow, drawn by Sunshine the Mule. Huggins Crunch: 100% natural, from our family to yours. Now with GMO-Free Organic Di-Plastinoids!"

In any case, a cereal could be owned by Exxon and contain industrial plastic by-products, and they'd still put a smiling mule on the box and stick it in the natural section. Add to that the weakness of USDA's organic labeling standards, and it's so much easier for me just to stick with what I know. However, that day there was a "2 for $4" sign which instantly dissolved any misgivings I might have had -- into my basket, Exxon Flakes! Upon arriving home, a quick Google search revealed that Nature's Path has not done anything reprehensible, and they seem like very nice people.

SCORE: 8/10. This is the first cereal I've ever had that manages to have "twig" shaped bites without tasting like actual foliage. This is undoubtedly due to the cinnamon coating, which is awesome -- sweet, but not overpowering or fake-tasting. There seemed to be about 6 blueberries in the entire box, but it actually made no difference to me. Do I need a freeze-dried blueberry in each bite? (No.)

Next. Nature's Path Organic Flax Plus Raisin Bran!

Score: 7/10: The ability to make a decent organic raisin bran is, for me, the ultimate test of any cereal manufacturer; until now, none have received over a 4/10. UNTIL NOW. Nature's Path, you've managed to make a bran flake that avoids the dreaded "Organic Cardboard Syndrome" that has plagued so many of your contemporaries. Totally delicious! Unfortunately, I take issue with the name you've chosen. Perhaps "Raisin Jerky Bran" might be a better fit, though to be fair your raisins were by far the best I've had in any organic raising bran. What is that smiling Kellogg's sun's secret? (Is it chemicals? I think it's chemicals.)

Thinking Outside Ye Olde Box(e)

In the middle of nothing happening, something happened: I no longer have a job. It's not exactly an ideal situation (since the last time I checked, being alive costs money) but in spite of the annoyances and unpleasantries, I'm excited. Don't get me wrong, most of the time the excitement is masked by a lurking terror, but I also realize that this misfortune is actually a golden opportunity to be resourceful and creative. I needed a push to switch gears, and here it is! I would have preferred the "push" not to arrive the day after I bought the $90 bus pass I use(d) to get to work, but what can you do? The push also demanded I walk down the side of a busy street, carrying the contents of my desk in a damp, disintegrating box (a goodbye gift from my former employer), but, again -- whatever.

So, there's that. It's been awhile since I looked for a job, so I turned to the internet to provide me with helpful suggestions. To craft a winning resume and find a job that suits me, the internet suggests I write a list of my strongest skills. Unfortunately, most of my strongest skills are things that place me in the role of "ridiculous sidekick" rather than "conscientious employee" (for example, my dedication to scouring the internet for photos of swooping birds of prey).

Found using the search term "skreee." (via: http://travelblog.portfoliocollection.com/)

The internet also suggests that I keep an open mind to careers that I normally wouldn't have considered. Looking at my skills, several careers jump out at once: writer, editor, and lackey. How pedestrian! Are there skills and talents I'm ignoring? Careers that I'm passing up, simply because they don't exist? After taking a closer look at my talents, here is a list of careers I might also want to consider:

1) Advocate, Dead Russian Author: Want to spend a miserable few hours (days, decades)? Ask me what I think about Vladimir Nabokov. If the man were alive, I would have shown up at his house by now, throwing flowers at his window and yelling paragraphs from "Ada." Instead, I have his portrait hung in the kitchen, next to an embroidered Boston Fern I found at Goodwill. (I live in a house of horrors.) On November 17th, Nabokov's final, unfinished work will be published for the first time, and I'll be at the bookstore when it opens, shaking and jumping up and down.

2) Gossip Columnist, Authors/Composers/Local Poets: You may remember this idea from several years ago, when I wanted to follow Richard Powers around and write a rag called "National Book Award Winners: They're Just Like Us!" (mostly featuring photos of R. P. getting out of cars and locking his bike). Since then, I've switched my attentions to a local poet who seems to live in my neighborhood; I'm still working out the kinks on this one, but I'm picturing a grainy camera-phone shot with the headline, "Featured New Yorker poet also enjoys coffee". Coffee, can you believe it? Local poets are just like us!

3) Motivational Speaker, Contemporary Poetry: Even people who "like poetry" don't like contemporary poetry. People still have framed wall-hangings of Robert Frost poems, but anything much past that has become a type of artistic pariah, pretentious and unimportant, to be read in a breathy, annoying voice. I don't blame anyone for thinking this, because I've heard Maya Angelou reading in a Very Serious Important Poetry Voice, and I'm not sure why anyone could be expected to care Why the Caged Bird Sings. I think poetry is one of those instinctual things, like music, that goes along with your biological beat; somewhere along the way, it ceased to be an instinct, and started feeling artificial. Most people are uncomfortable with modern poetry because (just a theory) it is no longer intuitive for us to let language be musical instead of strictly functional; we are taught and allowed to appreciate music when we're small, but contemporary poetry has been relegated to the land of the dry and academic. Hey, no way! The best modern poets, just like modern musicians, build off traditions and twist them into new and exciting things. I have many, many theories about modern literature, and maybe I'll call you up sometime after I've had too much to drink and tell you all about them. But for now, please put to rest that idea that contemporary poetry is a stagnant, dying thing. Nope! It's alive.

Poetry, coming to get you!